Some of the more highly publicized techniques for maintaining power over members of religious cults include repetition, sleep deprivation, fear of leaving, missing out on the rewards for the faithful, and the exposure of past sins committed.

Another not-s0-highly-publicized method is peer pressure, though not your garden variety of keeping up with the Jones’. In this case, my case, the pressure was somewhat of a role-reversal. Some background is necessary.

Many of the members of our local  little group of Smith Friend followers were directly recruited by me and my wife. Some had lived with us while they were “getting on their feet” and we had experienced births, house building, countless meetings, conferences, marriages, feasts, informal gatherings, very long and dangerous trips to visit other churches and just about anything life in such a group can offer.

However, after 10 or 12 years, things began to change. The current leader was determined to save the flock from my bad influence. Groups like our church, based in Brunstad, Norway have very few rules actually written down, yet have a very well-defined code of behavior that is enforced through fear of rejection.

In my case, I never wanted the church I helped to found to become a Smith Friends franchise. Yet, over time, things took on a life of their own and we were soon visited very often by many of the leading international brothers and treated as very hopeful young prospects.

This was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, we were now “on the inside”, or at least on our way there! On the other hand, the spontenaity was gone, as was the indigeonous authenticity. A good example is when I was advised to cease from writing Christian songs with my wife; we were to use the official songbook.

My “worldly” influence that was seen as a threat consisted primarily of such dangerous things as studying church history in Sunday school, dancing the Isreali folk dance known as the Hora with young people, singing “Froggy Went A Courtin’” to some pre-schoolers, reading the Christian Science Monitor newspaper, subscribing to National Geographic, associating with a home schooling group, and playing Celtic music on my guitar. I also occasionally drank beer and even dared to listen to NPR in my car and even knew what was going on in the world!

It is almost comical to watch the members talk about celebrities and world affairs with feigned ignorance, all the while knowing a great deal about the topic. This pretense is also obvious with most things that reveal a higher liberal arts education.

Back to my story though. Periodically, maybe every 2 months or so, the brothers gather for a brother’s meeting. These are part business, part edification, part get-together for “fun” and sometimes for dealing with troublesome members, such as I had become.

One Saturday morning we were summoned to the basement of a brother for a meeting. This was a peculiar time to hold a brother’s meeting, so I figured it must be important. Little did I know!

I noticed a tape recorder set up and asked the leader what that was about, since we never taped these meetings. He told me I would find out. Everyone was acting really weird, not friendly or happy to be together. Without warning, the leader began reading  one Bible passage after another about enemies of the cross. After reading enough to more than emphasize his point, he pointed at me and said “You are an enemy of the cross!”

I looked at him dumbfounded and what he was referring to. He told me something like “you know”.   I asked him what he was going to do now. This was a totally bizarre atmosphere, but the worst part was when I looked at the others. Some were glaring at me, others hid their face from me.

When I opened my mouth again to defend myself, I was told to be quiet, there would be no questions, no discussion, no help, no guidance, no brotherly love, no sharing of hearts, no praying;  just this unilateral decision from the leader and his power-mongering followers.

My sentence as that I could no longer start any meeting, no longer lead the Sunday school (children’s meetings), and basically was instantly reduced to the status of a little-better-than-an-outsider.  What this really meant is that I was now an outcast, officially.

Once the “meeting” was over, the host sat me down with his wife and told me how unjust that entire event was. I agreed and went home to ponder my new fate. True enough, I was now a little more than nothing, somebody to tolerate, somebody to be careful around, and who knows what else.

I felt a responsibility to speak with the main leaders in Norway, most of whom I had a good relationship with, so I  spoke with three brothers. The youngest, very obese and arrogant  leader pretended not to know what I was talking about, the oldest, more genuine man,  told me that the leader who banned me was immature and out of place, and the third, who seemed to always be posturing for position,  said the local  leader was wrong, but, because he was the leader the Norwegians had to support him.

My life continued in the church there for a while, but things were never the same. Eventually I moved to a new area, with the consent of the leaders from numerous other congregations.   I was determined to overcome this travesty of the spirit of life and eventually returned to visit these people with no grudge or blame.

This sort of control happens all the time, though usually not quite so dramatic. Everyone lives in fear of being wrong, and thus are compelled to conform, lest they be the next enemy of the cross, or maybe an opposer; or maybe just a half-hearted hanging on member with no authority whatsoever.

This stuff is classic abuse. Classic cult control where those in power, or those who wish to be in power, know how to push the right buttons, contact the right people, say the right things, quote the right verses; all to exercise power over others and propel themselves ahead. I’ve seen it a thousand times and even been guilty myself.

Can you imagine driving halfway across Canada without ever looking out the window to admire the scenic beauty of the land? Well, if you were a devoted member of the Smith’s Friends religious group you would be lauded  if you did such an unnatural thing.

In fact, you would be esteemed as extra spiritual and maybe even mentioned as a shining example of a cleansed soul.  I know this to be the case because I personally know the man who did this and attended the gathering in which he was exalted for such a deed.

Huh? Why would anyone want to do that and why would anyone else think this was worthy of anything other than weirdness? First you have to understand the mentality that drives such behavior.

From the viewpoint of this group, as well as most Christians, man is comprised of spirit, soul and body. Since we are here to become spiritual, believers must deny the pleasures of the body as well as the soul.

The body part is easy to comprehend, since many sinful acts are done by our bodies. That is another subject as well, but what this concerns is the soul.

The soul is our personality, the result of the spirit giving life to the body. It is what makes each one of us unique and special. If a believer were to live a soul-led life, he would be given to things like art, music, dance, literature, inventions, learning, enjoying nature (you know, the one God created), conversations, creativity, hospitality, cuisine, volunteering,  and all those endeavors that make us human beings.

Hence, the shunning of soulish desires is meant as a means of becoming spiritual. It is very similar to a Buddhist mentality of detachment and self-denial, except this is shrouded in Christian doctrine. This also explains why people in groups like this are so very similar wherever you go and why they are so indifferent to other people.

The esteemed brother accepted his praise with due humility and the congregation (they don’t call it that because it sounds like the religious world) all nods in agreement that this self-flagellation of the soul is truly remarkable and he must be growing in divine nature from such an experience.

How very telling this experience was and is. It is so warped that is doesn’t even fit in a normal head. This same mentality leads to a coldness, a lack of basic humanity, an indifference to the plight of others, and a narcissistic mutual admiration society of wannbes and mindless followers with an elitist mentality.

So, next time you see the beauty of the sun or the sky, the birth of a baby bird, the decaying leaves on the ground, or the howl of a coyote in the night, remember your creator and be glad.

Some might call it brainwashing, others indoctrination, still others see it as edification. Whatever you call it, repetition is central to gaining and retaining recruits and members.

Consider for a moment just how much indoctrination members of some cults, Smith’s Friends in particular, willingly subject themselves to. Most members attend several meetings a week, listen to messages on cassette tapes, cds, DVDs, during the day, spend many weekends in special event meetings, and use their summer vacation to attend a regional conference where there are at least 3 meetings a day.

These meetings can run from one hour to three or more hours, depending on the size of the congregation and esteem the main speaker carries. Just how long does it really take to learn Christian doctrine?

The result of so many meetings is that members cease to think independently. They certainly are good employees, students and such and often receive high praise for their work ethic, yet, critical, independent thinking just cannot co-exist with a never-ending drone of the same message over and over again.

No wonder university education is not encouraged! A liberal arts education basically serves no purpose for such people. Since literature is written by non-members it just cannot be trusted, so why should anyone read it? What good is art anyway, if the soul is the enemy of the spiritual life? The only music allowed is their own and a few sanctioned variants. Oddly much of their music is taken from other people and new words are added.

Can you really expect a musician at heart to be satisfied with playing simple melodies over and over again ad nauseum? I personally knew a member who was an outstanding musician and painter. He was reduced to painting Donald Duck “wet paint” signs at his local boat factory. There is no use for anything else artistic.

This repetition permeates every aspect of daily life. The noble desire to make ones words and deeds agree so there is growth and development becomes lost because there is actually very little real life. Conformity, group speak, and a self-centered preoccupation with one’s own thoughts replaces actually doing things that might be of benefit for others.

Even the seemingly selfless deeds done for others are constrained by the repetitious teachings. In fact, there are almost never any occasions when something is done for anyone outside of the group. When it is, there is a selfish motive, such as fund-raising to pay for very expensive building in Brunstad, Norway, the headquarters.

Small talk rarely happens because it is idle talk. Visits with relatives are kept to a minimum because they might influence the member in an ungodly manner. In the end, these people can be quite isolated, indoctrinated, self-serving and extremely self-righteous.

After all, if the leaders are the most spiritually developed men on earth, how can they be wrong? So many well-meaning and sincere people are swept up by the apparent community, fellowship, clean living, high standard of living and seemingly sound teaching. Only later do they realize they have lost their soul and missed out on most of what life has to offer for their own self and family.

Traits of a religious cult

Scholars have found numerous key features that most religious cults have in common, and, for the honest seeker of the truth, it is well worth examining your own faith and personal relationship to your church. After all, the truth should be able to withstand the closest scrutiny.

Of course, most  cults do not  have all the necessary traits to make it an absolutely clear cut case, but once you have experienced being in a one, you know the telltale signs well enough.As someone once said (I think it was Alexandr Solzhenitsyn, one of my favorite authors and one that I was reprimanded for reading while in Smith’s Friends), you only need one teaspoon of sea water to know how the entire ocean tastes.

Here is one characteristic of a religious cult, taken from my own experience. There are many more, and hopefully these will be covered later as well.

Characteristic of a religious cult: Group Speak

Group speak means that the members have developed a sort of private language that only the initiated would know. Sometimes this takes the form of odd sounding phrases taken from other languages, or it might stem from the literature that is used as a supplement to the Bible. Once a prominent brother, almost never sisters, has made a profound statement that the general leadership accepts, the rest of the flock more or less parrots the same words and the group speak language expands even more.

A good example of this is Smith’s Friends. If you visit a church in Norway, Toronto, Melbourne or Dusseldorf, you will find the same expressions being used. Mostly these result from the fact that the movement began in Norway in the early 1900′s and the members naturally want to be like those they admire. When a leading brother speaks and the next tier of leaders drink it in, the phrases are disseminated further down the line to the faithful followers at home.

Groups can have almost code-like terminology to describe events, people and doctrines.  While an outsider might think a word means what it normally means in “worldly” contexts, it might mean something quite different to the members of a cult. The Children of God were, and probably still are, notorious for this practice.

If an outsider were ever allowed to attend a brother’s meeting of Smith’s Friends (this is not going to happen, unless it is tightly controlled), he would be amazed at the level of submission the members demonstrate. Controversy is avoided because the one causing the controversy is very quickly ostracised and minimized to the point of becoming an outsider.  The fear of this rejection is powerful, and the members quickly fall into line, rarely daring to disagree.

When the intrepid does speak up and question the discussion or whatever is at hand, the others quickly look to the leaders to see their reaction. Everyone develops a sense of what is acceptable and rarely  ventures beyond an unspoken but very real limit of dissent. Of course, everyone in the group agrees that there is personal freedom and that it is good to be more than a well-meaning “yes-man”, but in practice things are much different.

After all, who wants to be labeled as an opposer or an enemy of the cross!

These days there are many religious groups that qualify as a cult, such as the Norwegian church based in Brunstad, Norway. This is also sometimes called Smith’s Friends, though they officially do not have such a name.

Then there are the obvious ones, such as the Moonies, Children of God and so on. One interesting thing I have personally noticed it that the members of these cults are actually some of the finest people you will meet. The members who have left often miss their old friends , despite the strange practices and doctrines. 

I recall an interview with a survivor of Jonestown, in Guyana, after the Kool-aid suicides. She missed the people, the fellowship and the sharing of work and play.

Hopefully there won’t be any attacks on me after this, as happened the last time I mentioned Smith’s Friends in this context!

Should parent's charge rent?

Now, this is a good question:  “Should parents charge rent to their own grown kids?”

After having experienced this myself both as a child and as a parent, I have some ideas.

Today at work I asked a 24 year old apprentice if he was still trying to buy a house.  He has a closing in a few days, but it was a comment he made in response to my question that struck me.

He told me how thankful he was because his father-in-law had only charged him $200 a month for rent for the last year or so. As a result, this 24 year old has managed to save over $20k over the course of the past 3 years.

Contrast this with another 24 year old I know who is bitter that his own father dared to charge him $300 a month for room and board for a few months. He was working full-time and making much more than the first 24 year old, yet had no savings at all.  In fact, he had squandered all his savings in one winter while snow-boarding and partying.

Some kids need more help than others, some are more inclined to take full use of the opportunities presented to them, and others seem to despise any good opportunity.

As a parent you want to help your children to succeed and because they are all so different and situations vary so much, there doesn’t seem to be any clear cut, standard answer. Each case is unique and demands unique wisdom.

It is also true that enabling lazy teens and twenty-somethings is wrong. It is not helping them in any way to allow them to laze around, gaming, sleeping late, partying, eating your food, using your car, spending your money and so on.

Cutting the strings can be very difficult and the thoughts of what-if, plus the guilt that can be laid on you make it even more complicated.

So, generally, in my opinion, yes, you should charge them rent or some equivalent thereof. Even a small amount, such as paying the electric bill or heating bill can give them a sense of responsibility and sharing the burden. They will most likely be more thankful as well.

Welcome home, son...

This Christmas holds a lot of promise for me.

My oldest son has been off searching for his own path for a number of years, nearly completely estranged from his rather large family.

Recently he contacted me and sent me the most interesting, long and highly detailed recollection of his childhood together with me, his Dad. The level of detail was amazing, with place names, people I had nearly forgotten and all kinds of references to events we shared.

As his Dad, I devoted myself exclusively to doing anything and everything for my family. Of course, like  a lot of fathers, I had to work long hours to make ends meet. To me, I was always there, to him, I was nearly always gone.

So, Christmas day he returns to his family. May we have the grace to accept him, however he presents himself. I am so excited and hopeful, yet I realize that nothing goes in a straight line. I love him and miss him!

Best Christmas present ever!!

Apparently one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results. This seems to apply to learning how to deal with stress as well.

How to deal with stress using afterthought

This is where the concept of afterthought comes in. Instead of continuing to have the same approach and reaction to life’s difficulties and difficult people, why not do something novel, such as take time to think about what you said or did?

As obvious as this sounds, it is actually not so commonly practiced. Usually we are too headstrong or in too much of a hurry to listen to the still, small voice inside.

Read more about how to deal with stress.

This is one of the most difficult things for people to do: accept things for what and how they really are. Usually, we are clouded in our perception by any number of things. Yet, this is central in learning how to deal with stress.

Idealism, pessimism, romanticism, and all kinds of other isms make it hard to see things they way they really are. Yet, until we can accept things as they truly are, we are never really able to respond in the right way.

Read the full story about how to deal with stress through acceptance.

We all are exposed to a huge amount of stress on a daily basis; but why do some people seem to know how to deal with stress, while others are crushed by it?
This is the topic of an ongoing series in our site: www.Stress-FamilyHealth.net

It would be nice if we could all live in a peaceful, quiet, and pleasant world with no stress. Then again, maybe not. Sometimes we all need pushing, prodding and conflict to help us do our best.

Read the series and find out how to deal with stress. It is a fascinating look at one person’s journey and how he developed a personal method to survive some really ugly situations with some very difficult people.

How to deal with stress